Daniel P Warner

On one of our first dates, my future wife and I had had enough of the theme park and were headed for the exits. Confidently, I led the way, taking a shortcut we hadn’t walked yet. But I knew it was the best choice. And even if it weren’t, we could adjust.

To my horror, Joan suddenly veered off in the direction of a park employee. I tried in vain to hide behind a light pole as she asked him if the path led to the exit. I tried not to make eye contact with the guy, and prayed nobody would recognize me. Finally she bounded over to me, happier about taking the shortcut, which she said was not really a shortcut but would still work. Still wanting to impress her, I pushed down my pride and offered to take the more familiar walkway.

As we reached the entrance to the alternate path, still in sight of the man she’d just asked for directions, what’d she do? She saw another worker, and went to her to re-confirm that we were headed toward the exits! Abomination!

Are all men like me? Afraid or unwilling to ask for help? Of course not; this stereotype is a generalization. But there are a lot of truths about men that can be learned from this phenomenon.

Why don’t men want to ask for directions? More broadly, why do men do what men do?

Brainpower – What’s a hippocampus?

Where do hippos get educated? Why at the Hippocampus, of course! Okay, that was almost as lame as asking why the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years (because Moses refused to ask for directions).

The hippocampus is a part of the brain that is used differently by men and women. Women are more likely to take advantage of the hippocampus memory storage capabilities. Some men might say they remember too much. Men, on the other hand, are much better at using the hippocampus’ abilities to decode where you are in space. More about this below.

We’re Not Lost! Our Spatial Awareness Hubris

Couples – when you’re going on a trip, who’s more likely to pack all your bags in the trunk, somehow jig sawing them all in, even leaving room for the extraneous bag of shoes? Ever wonder why males, generally speaking, are better at tasks like this?

Turns out, men are just better at navigating and spatial tasks, not because we are superior beings, but because of how we use our brains. Men use the hippocampus for navigating, which instinctually provides a sense of depth reckoning and direction. Women, on the other hand, use their cerebral cortex for navigating, making them more dependent on landmarks. When giving directions, a man would be more apt to say “Yeah, it’s about two miles that way…” while a woman might say “turn left at the first street after the stop light where the McDonalds is on the right. And if you see a wood fence with a bunch of cows you’ve gone too far and need to turn around.” Neither is right or wrong. Just different.

Because men just feel more confident navigating, we rarely feel lost. Worst case, like a GPS, we’re confident in our “Recalculating” ability. Stopping to ask for directions feels like a waste of time and energy.

The Adventure of Lostness

Hiking in the backcountry mountains of Wyoming, Dad and I stopped in front of the large rock formation. “The local guy told me we can get to that hidden lake if we head due west from this point,” he said. We both couldn’t wait to see it and fish it. Dad checked the compass to get our bearings. Leaving the path, we started out through the trees. After about 20 minutes, expecting to see blue at any moment, we encountered a familiar-looking trail. We stopped and assessed. Didn’t take long to realize we’d walked in a semi-circle. We returned to the rock formation and tried again, this time using the compass to guide our direction. Soon we came upon pristine Tomahawk Lake, just as described. Some of my best childhood memories involved fishing that lake with Dad, and later my brother and cousin.

Were we lost? Perhaps we didn’t know our precise location or what direction we were travelling. But we had a good laugh realizing we’d walked in a circle. Ultimately, we found our target, had a great time, and loved the adventure of it.

While some women would have loved the experience too, most would experience anxiety rather than adventure. Why? Women get a rush of anxiety hormones in these situations, whereas men experience a rush of endorphins. Scientists believe this heightened fear response is for women’s protection; and who must be the protectors? Typically, the endorphin-high men.

Another reason we don’t ask for directions: what’s the fun in that?

What we’ve got here, is failure to communicate

Why don’t men want to talk as much? Why do we want to end conversations sooner? It seems that men use the parts of their brain devoted to spatial mechanics more than those devoted to verbal centers. So men, unless focused, don’t take in as much of conversations, meaning we don’t always get it. So we want to end it sooner, or never even start it.

Hence another roadblock to asking for directions. We just don’t feel like starting a conversation for no good reason, whereas women would say it’s a very good reason, and they tend to enjoy the interaction with a stranger more.

Ego; Status

Ever been in a gym, interested in a new piece of equipment, but didn’t know how it worked? Did you ask for help, or try to figure it out yourself? What about putting together a dresser from Ikea – do you read the directions? Wait, that’s a bad example. There’s no hope with Ikea furniture without consulting the docs. But you get the point.

We learn by doing more so than asking. So we’d rather make a mistake and learn from it than be force-fed something. Plus, it’s a hit to our ego if we have to ask someone to help us understand a piece of equipment or tell us what road to turn on.

Bottom line – men value status, whereas women value relationships.

Related – many men say that asking for directions results in bad directions half the time anyway, making things worse. The ego of the person giving the instructions won’t allow them to admit they don’t know how to direct you. So our ego says, if I might get the wrong information anyway, why bother?

Other Brain Differences

Scientists will tell you that our brains are more alike than they are different. We’re still learning about how our brains work. But there are clear differences between the sexes. Men and women are equal from an intelligence standpoint, but how we see and interact with the world is different.

A man’s brain is more likely to process things within a single hemisphere, from front to back, while women have more side to side processing between hemispheres. Perhaps this is why women are better at multi-tasking, while men are better at compartmentalizing; tackling specific jobs like navigation.

Women tend to have more gray matter, but proportionally use more white matter. What does this mean? I’ll be honest – I got confused reading all the white papers about it which didn’t seem to agree. Maybe a woman could sort it out.

Living with our Differences

An evolutionist would say that men and women developed our traits over time to sustain our species. Men’s brains helped fill the role of provider and protector, while women’s traits made her the organizer, the nurturer, and the steadying force in the family. As a Christian, I say that God created us with these features – for survivability, yes, but also as a complement to each other.

In the early days of our marriage, Joan and I faced some difficult times. Over the years, we’ve learned that embracing our differences makes us stronger both as a couple and individually. One of the most helpful resources for us was the book Love and Respect, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (Learn more at this website). Eggerichs describes how women crave love, while men crave respect. There is plenty of overlap, but when you recognize and nurture this difference, the results are noticable.

If you’re married or dating, I’d encourage you to embrace who you are and also who your partner is. Together, you can fly.

Time to Rejuvenate

Whew, that was a lot! I need to rejuvenate my brain. Not having as much oxytocin as the average woman, I don’t crave bonding to rejuvenate like she does. I just want to veg out for a bit. I guess that’s why my wife likes to chat and pray before going to sleep.